Years ago, I knew a talented young woman full of joy and promise. She was an artist. As I had primarily studied the sciences, I didn’t always understand her. We both had creative, flexible minds but her thought path was like a fast-growing vine covering a skyscraper. The possibilities were endless and grew in every direction. It was magical. My path of thinking, in contrast, was more like a row of espaliered apple trees. Neat and ordered, my ideas were generated and categorized, tested, and either trimmed away or tied down to grow in a clear direction.
Sadly, she was in an accident and sustained a closed head injury. Over time, she recovered for the most part. One lasting effect, however, was that she would latch on to one solution for a problem and she could not see any other option even if you showed them to her. If she forgot to turn something in, for example, she would jump right from late assignment to failing the class. I would say, go talk to the teacher and explain, or you can turn it in late and maybe just lose some points, or it isn’t even enough points to fail you. Nothing would console her.
The outcome was inevitable in her eyes. It seemed like the more I tried to convince her that there were other viable options, the more fearful and agitated she would get with me. Why can’t you understand, she would say (and eventually shout). It was so frustrating. I cared for her, though, so I hung in there. I didn’t want her to be scared. I didn’t want her to fail.
But I also didn’t look at the situation through her eyes. In my view, my position and ideas were correct. She was wrong, and the real issue was that she just couldn’t understand. I see now that she was thinking the same thing about me likely, too. She was probably thinking, your ideas are ridiculous so why are you suggesting them, why aren’t you listening to me, why can’t you see what is obvious?
I know she was frustrated with me, but I assumed that was because she was struggling to understand what I had so clearly explained to her. I was not able to see that she was probably frustrated with me because I was struggling to understand what she had so clearly explained to me.
However correct I may still believe my thinking was, it doesn’t matter. All of her fears were real and valid. Being helpful, even being right, did not allay those fears or improve things in any way. All they did was make her mistrust me and impact our relationship.
As I was reflecting on my own recent thinking, I see this cycle of fear and inflexible thinking in my own life. In no way am I trivializing the seriousness of, or the complex results associated with, head injuries, the consequences of which are beyond the sufferer’s control. I am seeing a parallel in my current experience, however.
I have deep fears about the future and a growing anger about injustices that I am witnessing now and believe will increase in the future. To me, all of these fears are rational, real, and valid. They drive my decisions. They give me permission to disregard conflicting information. They allow me to dismiss and demonize others. My fears allow no gray area.
I believe I am correct. I suspect I am not alone in this belief. In fact, there is a whole segment of the population who would agree with my beliefs and values. There is also a whole segment of the population that disagrees with me. If there wasn’t, I would be at peace. I would have no object for fear or anger.
What if that other segment of the population, though, is also filled with fear and anger about injustices that they are witnessing now and believe will increase in the future? What if their fears drive all their decisions, and give them permission to disregard conflicting information? Do their fears allow the dismissal of or demonization of people with opposing views? Can they see no gray area either?
In my drive to have the values and rights I prize acknowledged and protected, I’ve made the false assumption that everyone on “the other side” is driven to take those values and rights away from me. That may be true. It is equally possible, though, that they just do not care about them at all. The truth is that I will fight to preserve those values and rights. While doing that, I may, without a thought, dismiss as inconsequential something you value just as highly.
The fact is that I just do not know. The divide is too great. My fears and anger run so deep that I have not seen talking about these issues with anyone who disagrees with me as a useful option. You are not going to change my mind. I do not believe that I am going to change yours.
But maybe I am wrong about what is in your mind. Maybe that is worth exploring, even if our respective values and beliefs do not change. It might clear up some misunderstandings. Just because you want X, it does not mean you do not want me to have Y. It may just mean X is so important to you that you are willing to disregard Y completely.
I’ll be honest, I doubt that I will change my mind about what I value and believe. I doubt I will change your values or beliefs either. That’s not what is needed. I don’t think you have to agree with me. I don’t think I have to agree with you. Some clarity and understanding might help us all to be less divided, though. A world full of fear and anger is a scary place. The world is made up of people, though, so changing the world has to start with us.
Maybe it is time for me to find one person I believe cares about me who holds an opposing view and listen. Listen to understand. Listen to their fears and anger. Don’t focus on changing their mind or protecting mine. Be open to the possibility that there is a place in the middle where we can all live in a way that is determined by our respective beliefs and feel secure that the rights we value will be protected.
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