Life is not all unicorn farts and sprinkles.

What follows is an abbreviated version of a text exchange that transpired this morning—after the reality that my kid is all grown up and moving across the country in three months hit me right in the forehead, and I spent a sleepless night thinking about all the things she needs to have, get, or do before she leaves. (By the way, she has it all under control.)

SheaGirl2.0: OK, I don’t want to stress you out. I also don’t want you to be 3000 miles away without a car or insurance <3.

SheaGirl2.1: I literally have not been sleeping because there are too many things to do. Turns out moving across the country isn’t all unicorn farts and sprinkles.

It goes without saying, my daughter is a poet. She gets that from me. (Sorry, Dad. You can claim her cooking skills, but her biting wit is all me.)

She is dead-on with her assessment of the situation. Moving across the country is definitely not all unicorn farts and sprinkles. But then, pretty much no mundane adult activity is. Maybe that’s why they say unicorn farts and not Sasquatch farts. This is not to disparage the illusive and regal beasts, but they are more common than unicorns and, I have on good authority, pass less pleasant gas.

Washing the dishes? Sasquatch, for sure. Cruising the Mediterranean? Unicorn. Weeding the garden? Sasquatch. Spa day? Unicorn.

Who wants to do mundane or painful tasks? Nobody. Honestly, though, if everything about life was unicorn farts and sprinkles, wouldn’t that ruin the truly good stuff? Realistically, we’d have to ratchet up the entire measuring system. The whole gamut of mythical beasts would have to be enlisted. Activities would have to be calibrated against the new system. Sasquatch would drop a level, which would be wrong in every way! And how would you even order them? I can see international psychometricians debating the validity of the scale and the placement of events and activities. Clearly, it would be a logarithmic scale, which adds another complete dimension to people’s accurate use of the scale.

.

Sasquatch – All household chores and weeding

Unicorn – Moving across the country

Phoenix – Getting your dream job

Kelpie – Mediterranean cruise

Centaur – Five book deal with big five publisher

Dragon – Screenplay that is rumored to be an Oscar contender

Mermaid – Win the lottery

And I could see camps of people. It would be very divisive.

Weeding is not Sasquatch. Weeding is Dragon. It’s not that hard. You get to be out in the sun, and the outcome is a garden. Dragon!

I tore a glute weeding the garden. What’s lower than Sasquatch? I vote for a new level. Weeding is goblin farts. Who do I talk to about adding goblins?

Obviously, there are about a million permutations, but you get the gist.

I think we need to adjust our thinking before this gets completely out of hand, and gorgons are enrolled. Maybe there are just two categories and everything is both, like an eclipsing Venn Diagram. Maybe, everything is Sasquatch AND unicorn. The actual process of moving across the country (packing and selling a house, driving 3000 miles, finding a new place to live)? That would all fall under Sasquatch farts and golf-ball sized hail. Not pleasant, but what are you going to do? It’s got to be done so that you can get to the unicorn farts and sprinkles! The adventure of a new city and a new life with the person who you love- all sprinkles right there. Embarking on a career that is your passion—unicorn flatulence abounds.

But without the mundane activities, and the painful ones, we wouldn’t see the unicorn coming. We certainly wouldn’t smell the lovely vanilla scent (I have it on good authority that it is vanilla). Everything is both. The joy of deep love comes with the pain of loss. Labor comes with sweet babies. Revising comes with publishing. So, let’s leave all the other mythical beasts out of this and embrace the diametric, interdependent nature of everything in life. Embrace Sasquatch farts and hail stones with unicorns farts and sprinkles—and pack up for the adventure!

Copyright 2023 Catherine Matthews

8 thoughts on “Life is not all unicorn farts and sprinkles.

  1. It’s obvious you had a lot of fun with this! I’m so glad your daughter has you to help navigate Sasquatch sprinkles and unicorn farts. Now I can imagine your work. When you said you write funny suspense it all makes sense now. I enjoyed reading this! Nice work! 

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