If you read my blog, you know I’m a skosh competitive. If you haven’t read my blog, let me illuminate you. If you’re planning a backyard barbecue this summer and have a friendly croquet game planned, you may not want me on your team. You definitely do not want to warn me in advance. If you do, I will organize two-a-days. We will do predawn conditioning. If I can’t get you to take vacation days to train, we will be working on skill and strategy under the lights after running off the high school soccer team. State Championship or weekend warrior croquet tournament? The choice is obvious. And yes, it will become a tournament with single elimination and sudden death. We will have T-shirts and team names. Nothing cute like The Miller Mallets. We will be The Sledgehammers or Marauders Mauls. I’m still dialing that in, but you get my point.
I’d like to say my desire for a trophy has diminished as I have become older and wiser. Quite the opposite. In fact, I think I should get a trophy at least once a day, ideally more. As an achievement-oriented person, I realize I have been setting goals wrong for decades. I had this epiphany while I was deadlifting yesterday.
I haven’t deadlifted since college. After three back surgeries, deadlifting wasn’t even in my goal universe (Yes. I have a universe of goals. Unpacking that requires another blog.) My strength and conditioning coach convinced me to add deadlifting to the mix (She’s fun that way.). Because I trust her and she had a clear rationale for how that would improve my overall strength, balance, and posture, I said What the heck. Let’s do it.
Did she load up a weight bar and assign me reps and sets? No, she did not. She gave me a series of exercises to build up the muscles and develop the skills I needed to do it correctly. Do I want to load up a weight bar and deadlift my body weight? Heck yes. I don’t want to do all those other things. I want to reach my goal as soon as possible, applaud my effort, growth, and skill, and accept the trophy no doubt she has already had engraved.
This is where I’ve been wrong. Achieving my ultimate goal should be celebrated. Achieving all the milestones along the way should also be celebrated. Here’s why:
No one runs toward a barking dog.
Punishment or harsh criticism never made me work harder, be more committed, or produce a better product. Productive feedback that helps me understand what I’m doing well, how I can improve my skills, and what skills I need to develop to achieve my goal is more effective. The more challenging the goal is, the more likely I will have to learn new skills or significantly improve existing skills. If at every step I’m critical about not achieving my ultimate goal yet, I’ll give up. I only have to walk by the same barking dog twice before I change my route.
Celebrate the steps that get you closer to your goal. Don’t punish yourself because it wasn’t your best effort or you didn’t quite hit your goal for the day. Nobody runs toward a barking dog. But the tail-wagging dog that loves you unconditionally and is ridiculously happy you showed up, you’d do anything for that.
Planked to build my core today. Trophy.
Showed up (late) for the Writing Date. Trophy? Yes. Trophy.
Wrote a book, a chapter, a page, a paragraph. Trophy. Trophy. Trophy. Trophy.
The data doesn’t lie. Zoom out.
I want to see progress every day. That’s unrealistic, though. Somedays I just can’t slip into the flow of writing, and I stare at a blank screen for hours. Other days, I hammer out chapter after chapter. Somedays, I eat right and exercise and I still gain two pounds. Whatever I’m trying to achieve, I want data that says my strategies are working and I’m moving forward. The problem with collecting data is that it is easy to make erroneous conclusions from day-to-day fluctuations.
Even one day of data that shows I’m backsliding or stalling from my goal can turn into complete abandonment of that goal if I don’t keep some perspective. I remind myself that trends are what matters. Where humans are concerned, daily fluctuations are normal. We are complex creatures in complex environments. Our bodies and minds, in an effort to maintain stasis and protect us, sometimes throw wrenches into our plans.
I don’t make great decisions on one or two days of data. The amount of data needed increases as the difficulty in achieving the goal does. This three-day upward trend doesn’t signal failure. I know that because when I zoom out and look at the whole picture, I can see the trend is overwhelmingly in the right direction. Don’t wait to see that trend hit your final goal, though, to celebrate your progress.
Showed up and tried again. Trophy.
Trended in the right direction. Trophy.
Figured out why it isn’t trending in the right direction. Trophy.
Recognized what you have done to move it in the right direction. Trophy.
Keep your chin up.
I’m a fan of setting challenging goals. I’ve been trained in setting SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound). I just assume everything is achievable, though. The problem is that the more challenging (potentially unachievable) goals take longer and require more effort and resources. These are exactly the goals I’m least patient about achieving. I can see them in the distance, but I don’t feel like I’m getting any closer. The scientific term for this is Motion Parallax. Because the angle at which we see a distant object doesn’t change much when it’s far away, we can’t see that it is getting closer.
The solution? Change how I look at it.
I think of it as if I’m climbing a tall ladder toward my goal at the top of a building. If the goal is far away, I might feel I’m making a significant effort with every step, but I’m not getting any closer to the top.
If I look straight ahead, however, at the rung in front of my eyes and I take the next step, I can easily see I have made progress. I can feel I’m one step closer. If I look down, I can see how far I have come. (Since I hate heights, it’s easy to see how much farther I’m from the ground.)
I keep my eyes on the finish line for that challenging goal, but not all the time. Most of the time I keep it on the next step. I celebrate the successes along the way to the finish line.
Hired an editor today? Trophy.
Walked a quarter mile farther? Trophy.
Learned the Greek alphabet? Trophy.
Take off your sunglasses, it’s bright in here.
I can do better.
That belief has pushed me forward toward my goals. I have determination, perseverance, and resilience.
That belief has also held me back in achieving my goals, though. Like sunglasses, perfectionism darkens and obscures those smaller achievements along the way. I can easily filter out forward motion as not good enough. I can become stuck on a step by trying to get it exactly right, when good enough would work.
Confronting the negative filtering in my head illuminates my progress and achievements. Catching thought distortions allows me to experience the joy in what I’m achieving right now.
Recognized today’s effort. Trophy.
Said affirmations. Trophy.
Practiced mindfulness and presence. Trophy.
Acknowledged how far you’ve come. Trophy.
Building a skyscraper requires a lot of scaffolding.
It doesn’t matter what you are building, a muscle, a novel, a career, a skyscraper. You can’t start building on the top floor. You have to put the foundation in. As the building gets taller, you need a way to reach the level you are working on and to support you and your tools. Before you can move from the first floor to the second, you have to install the scaffolding. Creating the scaffolding is additional work. If my ultimate goal is to publish my book, I have a lot of scaffolding to do. I have to learn how to upload to platforms, apply for a copyright, assign ISBNs, and do marketing (and about a hundred more things).
I find it frustrating at times because it feels like I have to stop my progress to build the scaffolding. I might have to learn something new before I can move on. Maybe I need to find a mentor. There could be a new skill I need to develop or an existing skill I need to strengthen. All of this takes time.
I forget that building this scaffolding is part of the journey. It is progress. I can’t build that next floor if I don’t have something solid to stand on.
Asked for help. Trophy.
Tried something that was a stretch. Trophy.
Took a class. Trophy.
Figured out new software. Trophy.
I will undoubtedly continue to set challenging goals. I can’t imagine losing the desire to earn a trophy. I’m going to remove the roadblocks that slow my progress. Most importantly, I’m going to give myself many more trophies.
No one runs toward a barking dog.
Welcome productive feedback and give yourself credit for every attempt. Find a path to the next step that bypasses punishment and harsh criticism.
The data doesn’t lie. Zoom Out.
Step back and look at the trend over time. Let go of daily fluctuations.
Keep your chin up.
Look at the next step and feel your progress. Ignore the optical illusion of goals far in the distance.
Take off your sunglasses, it’s bright in here.
Let your progress shine. Ditch the perfectionism that overshadows your successes.
Building a skyscraper requires a lot of scaffolding.
Give yourself credit for the learning and effort needed to take you to the next level. Preparing is progress too.
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